Today I`m thinking about..

Slip,Slap,Slop.

Unfortunately I find that the most effective Sun block is the British weather.

Today I`m thinking about..

Faith, Hope and Charity.

Faith.  Be careful it can stick to you like a Band Aid covered in Superglue, if affected try not to get it in your eyes.

Hope.  The last refuge of the unlucky.

Charity.  I just wish thar the givers were a bit more humble and the receivers a bit more patronising.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Vegetable Plot.

Ok you might call them weeds, but I call them "wild companion plants".

Today I`m thinking about..

World Records.

One of the few things that are improved by getting broken, a bit like Showaddywaddy* records.

* Tiger feet.....EEEK.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Seven Deadly Sins.

Gluttony. 
If it`s ok for the rest of the animal kingdom it`s ok for us.
Greed.
It`s not good anymore, just a way of life.
Lust.
Remember What John Betcheman said towards the end of his life when asked if he had any regrets. He replied "Yes I wish I`d had more sex".
Pride.
Sorry but self deprecation is for losers.
Wrath.
Simply solving problems by destroying the cause.
Envy.
Just call it "me time".
Sloth.
Yep you guessed it I can`t be arsed to think of anything.

Today I`m thinking about..

Mummification.

I wonder, would mummified Marmalade be the preserve of the dead?

Today I`m thinking about..

The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword.

But nowhere near as quick.

Today I`m thinking about..

Corporate Speak.

There maybe no "i" in Teamwork, but do not be afraid remind the person telling you this, that it always begins with Tea, so put the Kettle on.

Today I`m thinking about..

Firmware Upgrades.

Just updated the firmware in my DSLR and unlocked a whole load of new features, unfortunately every other picture now contains an ad for Viagra... Dammit.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Iron Age.

That time of life when you realise that you don`t like going out with wrinkly clothes anymore.

Today I`m thinking about..

Limericks.

There was an old man from Warwick,
Who felt randy, but needed a tonic.
So he tried Lysergic Acid,
but the result was decidedly flaccid.

Today I`m thinking about..

Space Arks.

When the Earth eventually sneezes will the Galaxy catch a cold or try an Antibiotic?

Today I`m thinking about..

The Higgs Boson.

Well, now that the God particle seems to have been found I stongly expect that they will cut the top off the LHC and make the worlds largest pinball Machine.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Olympic Games.

Remember if you haven`t got a ticket, then slapping a number on your chest and trailing behind the last marathon runner probably won`t work.

Today I`m thinking about..

Popups.

Your shopping in the High St when POP "Will you donate to charity", POP "Have you had an accident in the last month", POP "Have you been miss-sold xyz". Good grief, the Town Centre is getting worse than the Internet.

Today I`m thinking about..

Wimbledon.

Can`t be there? Then pretend your in the crowd by tying your TV to a rope and swinging it from side to side.

Today I`m thinking about..

Special.

A lovely word that tells us that something is now much better, but failing to tell us why, now that is special.

today I`m thinking about..

X-Rays.

Much more powerful than the new XXX-Rays used in airport scanners that can only penetrate your clothes.

Today I`m thinking about..

HDTV.

If you are unfortunate enough to get HDTV while middle aged, then you can end up watching with SD eyeballs.

Today Im thinking about..

Binge Drinking.

On the rise since the Binge recipe became freely available on the Internet.

Today I`m thinking about..

Antivirus Scanners.

Well I never, Security Essentials says that I have Chicken Pox.

Today I`m thinking about..

Traffic Signs.

I particularly dislike the ones displaying accident statistics, owing to the number of times I have nearly driven off the road while trying to read them.

Today I`m thinking about..

Fermentation.

Turning empty calories into emptyheadedness.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Transit of Venus.

Probably an asbestos covered long wheelbase model.

Today I`m thinking about..

Computer Updates.

Protecting our data from baddies, but I`m finding that by time they are installed and restarted there is precious little time left input data anyway.

Today I`m thinkig about..

Linux Vs Windows.

Always a choice between the free or the easy. But I`m beginning to prefer the free.

Today I`m thinking about..

Histrionics.

The history of electronics.

Today I`m thinking about..

Prometheus Rising.

A timely reminder to us all not to screw around with Zeus.

Today I`m thinking about..

"i".

Tried out the iPud, but I`m a little dissapointed as it is way too expensive and the only flavour is Apple.

Today I`m thinking about..

Global Dimming.

The suspension of free will, independance and intelligent behaviour that is part and parcel of being an airline passenger.

Today I`m thinking about..

The TV Remote.

That Terrible moment of indecision when you realise that the TV and the TV remote are exactly the same distance away from you.

Today I`m thinking about..

Soap Operas.

I like, The Spin Cycle by Richard Wagner.

Today I`m thinking about..

Gardening.

Peace, tranquility and a life and death struggle for ultimate control over Nature, followed by a cup of Tea.

Today I`m thinking about..

Ancient Astronauts.

It`s believed that aliens still watch over our develpoment and behaviour in a building called a Twatarium.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Supernatural.

Shorthand for The Superticious-beliefs-you-have-are-completly-natural.

Today I`m thinking about..

Future Prospects.

I might become a prospector.

Today I`m thinking about..

Reality TV.

Only truly believable when every human being on the planet have their own cameraman, sound recordist and production team.

Today I`m thinking about..

Talent Shows.

It sure does, so get a good agent, do a few gigs and stop cluttering up the weekend TV schedules thank you.

Today I`m thinking about..

Progress.

The irresistable desire to keep getting more of the same thing but in a newer format, hoping that it will iprove our lives but secretly suspecting that it won`t.

Today I`m thinking about..

Wrinkles.

If you have got any then just think of yourself as well ruched.

Today I`m thinking about..

Mysteries (No5).

If laughter is so contagious why haven`t they come up with a vaccine yet?

Today I`m thinking about..

Cynicism.

A belief in yesterdays cockeyed view.

Today I`m thinking about..

Loyalty.

A lethal combination of greed, stupidity and hope.

Today I`m thinking about..

Advertising.

So if that piece of crap you have just bought is endorsed by an animated character, who the hell do you complain to?

Today I`m thinking about..

A Bag for Life.

The byproduct of an unhappy marriage, perhaps.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Jubilee.

60 years as a Queen, still she`s got another 30 to go to beat Quentin Crisp.

Today I`m thinking about..

Non Lethal Weapons.

I find the term confusing, after all nearly all weapons have at least one non lethal end anyway.

Today I`m thinking about..

Commercial Nukes.

A steroid for Asteroid mining?

Today I`m thinking about..

The Digital Economy.

Just taken delivery of a box of cheesy bytes.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Cloud.

If you want to hold on to your silver lining remember to keep paying the fees.

Today I`m thinking about..

Panic Buying.

I find the best way to avoid panic buying is to panic a day earlier than everybody else.

Today I`m thinking about..

Bouncy Castles.

Considered invunerable until the invention of the Bouncing Bomb.

Today I`m thinking about..

Commodity Prices.

With metal prices and theft on the increase, Ironman had better watch his back.

Today I`m thinking about..

Legacy.

Make sure that your bucket list and your life in general is a good one, after all you wouldn`t want to go into the afterlife depressed now would you?

Today I`m thinking about..

Car Crime.

If you are thinking of stealing a car any time soon, make sure that the local version of the Mafia haven`t left a body in the boot. After all you wouldn`t want to be sent down for life, would you?

Today I`m thinking about..

James Bond.

If 007 decided to give up being a spy and became a Dentist instead, would he need to get a license to fill?

Today I`m thinking about..

The Best Things in Life are Free.

Probably not, but you might be able to get a discount.

Today I`m thinking about..

Health and Safety.

Why is it that the rules that try to prevent you from doing yourself a mischief, make you mad enough to do a mischief to those that thought them up?

Today I`m thinking about..

Centenaries.

Remember it is always the centenary of...well...Something.

Today I`m thinkinkg about..

Biographies.

Using your life time to read about someone else`s.

Today I`m thinking about..

Stonehenge.

A monument from the dawn of time, where on the Summer Solstice, Druids set their alarm clocks to the time of dawn.

Today I`m thinking about..

Spring.

If you find that the sap is rising you should probably increase his dose of sleeping pills.

Today I`m thinking about..

PC Vs Mac.

Personally I prefer a PC, as they are a lot cheaper to replace once you have really lost your temper.

Today I`m thinking about..

Mysteries (No4).

Aliens, you would think that with all that technology that they might have discovered clothing at some point.

Today I`m thinking about..

Creationism.

I wonder how that will evolve in the future?

Today I`m thinking about..

Vestal Virgins.

Funny lot the ancient Romans worshipping as they did a dehydrated curry.

Today I`m thinking about..

Easter Eggs.

Unlike real Easter Eggs virtual Easter Eggs may contain Easter Eggs.

Today I`m thinking about..

Fairy Cakes.

Sadly now called cupcakes, so gone are the days of suppressed mirth when and elderly relative does an unintentional double entendre.

Today I`m thinking about..

Going green.

The twinge of jealousy you get when no matter how hard you try to save the planet, there are still some people who just don`t give a toss.

Today I`m thinking about..

Solar Panels.

Not nearly as good as the Ti-Do panels.

Today I`m thinking about..

Traffic lights.

Forget Skynet the machines control us already.

Today I`m thinking about..

The 1970`s

I have been watching a few videos from the 1970`s and have come to realise just how badly lacking in colour saturation how nation was at the time.

Today I`m thinking about..

Stock Cubes.

Just the thing if you want instant cattle.

Today I`m thinking about..

Mysteries (No3).

Why is it that considering the advances on photo technology, all cameras switch to mid 19th Century blurry mode when confronted with aliens, monsters and the like?

Today I`m thinking about..

You Can`t Make an Omelette Without Breaking Eggs.

I wonder if people running fertility clinics would agree with that?

Today I`m thinking about..

Automated Telephone Systems.

Showing your customers how much you care by just letting them rot.

Today I`m thinking about..

National Identity.

Sometimes there is some baggage thats best left home.

Today I`m thinking about..

First Contact.

Usually followed by a second contact in the other eye.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Titanic.

Sitting on the bottom for a hundred years...Hmm kinda like how I feel after an evening spent in front of the TV.

Today I`m thinking about..

My Attention Span.

Er....Um...Pardon?

Today I`m thinking about..

Fly Tipping.

Thank you Marcel, the slops were particularly putrid today.

Today I`m thinking about..

Paramilitary Organisations.

Society should stand up to these people and disband them if possible..starting with The Brownies.

Today I`m thinking about..

An Analogy.

Like an example but far more baffling

Today I`m thinking about..

Comfort Food.

Yorkshire puddings alright I suppose but it doesn`t beat a feather pillow.

Today I`m thinking about..

Omni- The Prefix.

It means everything to me.

Today I`m thinking about..

Solar Flares.

Very popular in the`70s.

Today I`m thinking about..

3D Printers.

"Hello is this the Technical Helpline..Good...My Omniprint 3000 is has been stuck on the Curry, Chips and Lager setting for three days and I`m getting a bit desperate."

Today I`m thnking about..

Cutting the Grass.

Probably do it for Lent....maybe.

Today I`m thinking about..

Vacuum Cleaning.















On the ISS the best way is to just open a hatch......Oh.

Today I`m thinking about..

Nuclear Fallout.

The difference between those who think Nuclear power is bloody great and those who think it is bloody dangerous.

Today I`m thinking about..

Barbecues.

Why would we want Summer to smell of roses and Sweet peas, when we can have it smelling of burnt meat eh.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Digital Age.

          The time it takes between switching on your computer and actually being able to use it... About ten minutes shorter than an Ice Age.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Leap Day.

  Less frequent than the Plummet Day, when no matter how hard you try there is no way that you can remember some of lifes events, even when told that you were definitly there and making an idiot of yourself.

Today I`m thinking about..

Artists Impression.

Try it with a Piccasso and you will get banged up for forgery I expect.

Today I`m thinking about..

CCTV.

We are all aware that CCTV helps to catch criminals, but how? Well imagine that your walking down the street and someone walks past but you can`t quite see their face, that will be a criminal, because all criminals have blurry faces. However if you see somebody with a pixellated face, they may not be a bad `un but very.. very shy.

Today I`m thinking about..

Rechargeable Electric Car Batteries.

To increase the range and reduce the weight they must become small and powerful until they are the size and shape of a hand grenade.....Just don`t drop it ok.

Today I`m thinking about..

GPS.

You know where you are, they know where you are, but you don`t know where they are, or who they are. It`s a pain in the are`s.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Petaflop.

About a thousand Trillion times faster than a Fosbury Flop.

Today I`m thinking about..

Brainstorming.

Tried it once but only managed a light Braindrizzling.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Creeps.

A man has been following me today carrying a tub of margarine......must be a Storker.

Today I`m thinking about..

Kitchen Gadgets.

I have so many of these things and they must be saving so much time that surely I can expect to have my lifespan extended by at least 20 years.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Milkman.

A Species on the verge of extinction yet the BBC has failed to make even one documentary.

Today I`m thinking about..

Dinosaurs.

Extinct for 65 million years, yet always on tne telly with new information being discovered all the time. But they never answer the question "what did dino taste like?" do they?

Today I`m thinking about..

Twitter.

Eureka! I`ve discovered a way of running your car on water using a few ingredients readily available in the home, it`s really simple.The secret

Today I`m thinking about..

Experience.

You will Know when enough of this has been aquired when you think back and say, "God was I really that stupid?".

Today I`m thinking about..

The Apocalypse.

I don`t give a damn who you are, just clean up all this horse crap when your finished.

Today I`m thinking about..

Piracy.

Watch out, if the copyright owners get their way then we will all get a jolly rogering.

Today I`m thinking about..

Angels.

If they are among us then they are not causing much of a flap.

Today I`m thinking about..

Cold Callers.

Public Notice: Do not threaten to warm them up by setting them on fire, it may be enjoyable but it`s probably illegal. You have been warned!

Today I`m thinking about..

Time Travellers.

Don`t forget your Past-port.

Today I`m thinking about..

Antiques.

When all said and done, the only thing that reaaly interests people is the Monet.

Today I`m thinking about..

Catholicism.

Popium of the masses.

Today I`m thinking about..

Alcohol.

Gives you the power to loose your inhibitions and your teeth in a single evening.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Pursuit of Happiness.

Remember, even though it can run faster than you, it can`t be caught if you don`t try.

Today I`m thinking about..

4G.

Gee its fast.
Gee its not available this year?
Gee how much?
Gee I`ve got to buy another phone.

Today I`m thinking about..

Organized Crime.

Its so nice to see tidy criminals.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Olympic Torch.

Please remember not to shout out "Oi mate your ice cream cones on fire" when it passes by on its route around Britain.

Today I`m thinking about..

Mysteries (No2).

Why don`t Supermarkets put the toilet paper next to the Cider?

Today I`m thinking about..

Disability.

In humans it`s unfortunate, but in animals for some reason it`s funny.

Todat I`m thinking about..

Moonbase Armstrong.

"No I don`t want yet another trip to Tranquility Base even if they do have a new hot dog pod".

Today I`m thinking about..

The Birds and the Bees.

Why do they call it that? I damned if I have ever seen a bird/bee hybrid.

Today I`m thinking about..

World Population.

An explosion caused by a lot of little bangs.

Today I`m thinking about..

Voyager1.

After two million years Voyager returned to the solar system to check if it left the gas on.....

Today I`m thinking about..

Holidays in the Sun.

Don`t forget to factor in the cost of your own Spaceship.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Fun Of the Fair.

Somedays I wish I were blonde too.

Today I`m thinking about..

Wine (again).

Mr winewaiter at Eighteen Quid a bottle it had better not be off.

Today I`m thinking about ..

Censorship.

The ship of fools.

Today I`m thinking about..

Self Publishing.

Mmm..I`d rather be a copy of The Neuromancer*, occasionally being re-read, with the owner finding new things each time, other than a trashy Bio that ends up in a charity shop a year down the line.

*The Neuromancer, William Gibson 1984.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Eye of the Beholder.

Probably the cheapest beauty treatment you can have is the ageing eyesight of your partner.

Today I`m thinking about..

Retirement.

Leaving the rat race to join the human race.

Today I`m thinking about..

Nuclear Power.

Carbon friendly, provided you`re not a carbon based lifeform.

Today I`m thinking about..

Litter Louts.

Lets hope that they don`t join forces with the lager louts or we are all doomed.

Today I`m thinking about..

The West Country Big Cat Mystery.

Tony the Tiger* is helping the police with their inquiries after being overheard saying "Venison is GRRRRREAT" at his local pub.

*Kellogs Frosties.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Golden Handshake.

Successfully hacking the computers at Fort Knox?

Today I`m thinking about..

Infinity.

Hated by science but proved to be a true by the discovery that Human stupidity is endless.

Today I`m thinking about..

Status.

One knows when they have arrived when one`s cutlery is cleaned with Silvo and not Brasso.

Today I`m thinking about..

A Murmuration of Starlings.

Flocking Hell!

Today I`m thinking about..

Foreign Policy.
Remote control? 

Today I`m thinking about..

Ghosts.

Things that go bumph in the night.

Today I`m thinking about..

The Bermuda Triangle.

It seems that it`s zone of influence now extends to my sock drawer.

Today I`m thinking about..

Fitness and Health.

Nice, but given a  toss up I`d take Fatness and Wealth.

Today I`m thinking about ..

Patriotism.

Yes I`m afraid you will have to risk your life to protect Telesales people, TV chefs and the man across the street with the barking dog.

Also..

Happy New Year.

Need I say more.

Today I`m thinking about..

Wine.

Drink it.... Enjoy it.... Appreciate it.... But.... Most of all.... Keep quiet about it.